


Quod me Nutrit me Destruit

by CeiloDiLiberta



Category: South Park
Genre: Character Study, Kinda, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 03:52:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15655221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeiloDiLiberta/pseuds/CeiloDiLiberta
Summary: 'What nourishes me destroys me'Kenny dies so often that its become more of a routine in place of a tragedy. It's always glossed over but that doesn't stop the hurt. Kenny wonders, not for the fist time, what it must feel like to die and just stay dead. He thinks about it more often than he cares to admit.





	Quod me Nutrit me Destruit

Kenny wonders what it must be like to die and stay dead. To not have to wake up again and deal with aftermath, to simply be content and free. To not have to deal with the crusted blood and lost time, to not have to deal with the coldness that seeps through his chest when no one bats an eye, to not have to deal with the anger always nagging in the back of his mind when they forget _again_.

 

He knows realistically that it isn’t their fault, they would remember if they could. They would, right? As times goes on it gets harder to remember, they begin to replace him when his death start taking longer to recover from. (He begins to hope that maybe the curse is finally breaking, its proven wrong when he dies by his father's hand at night and wakes up in time for breakfast. He doesn’t eat.) But he knows they care for him, can tell in the way Stan's eyes ghost over his form when he lingers in the back for too long, in the way Kyle continues to pack lunches for him (and if there's extra for him to take home most day well it's just luck), and in the Cartman continues to invite him over under pretense of boasting. (They all know, despite all that Cartman talks shit, he cares just as much about their quiet friend. He’s just an emotionally stunted jackass who doesn’t know how to act.) He can tell in the way Karen praises him and turns to him for comfort with or without the mask, can tell in the way Kevin whispers encouragements to continue school and graduate, to be better than himself, be better than their parents.

 

He wonder if they would remember if he actually died, would he just be erased from their memory all together? Would they be hit with memories of every times he died? Would they just remember this one time? Does he want that for them, to remember every time he's died, died because of them or for them, died because of things that could have been prevented if someone other than him just cared a little more?  To not be able to do anything but deal with the regret and grief that comes with the new memories, to have all this knowledge and not be able to act on any of it.

 

(Is that the kind of person he is? Someone who would take solace in the suffering of other because finally, finally he was going to have recognition for his life, for his death. Is he the kind of person who want to harm others so deeply even in death?)

 

He wonders about the feeling. Does permanent death feel the same as temporary? Will it be more calming knowing that he wouldn’t have to deal with aftermath anymore or would it be more soul crushing, knowing for the first time that he won't come back, that he won't be able to fix any of his mistakes. Will he feel all of his regrets or will it just be numbness that clings with the knowledge the he's finally free. Will the same feeling of peace and freedom still slowly coil around him and help lull him to rest or will it be fast and sharp, quick like a knife and as piercing as a bullet.

 

Kenny wonders what it must be like to die and be free of the numbness that soaks through his bones, to be free of the lingering pains that never seem to go away. But then he thinks of all the people around him and thinks of what it would be like to be without them. He thinks about how it would affect all of them.

 

Kenny wonders what it must be like to die but he figures he can always find out later.


End file.
